To be honest I was not particularly looking forward to this year’s NYE (look how cool and cuntish I am!) party. It was to be held at Swedish Michael’s house and the theme was everyone had to come in a mask of some form.

Obviously Reiss went nuts and dragged me off to Camden determined to turn us into Mexican wrestlers. He found some masks and also went looking for a Mexican flag to wrap around himself. All the time I was longingly looking at the various pubs wishing to dive in for safety.

The night arrived and I had been out early in the day drinking with a friend who I had known for a while online but had only met for the first time that day. I tried to impress him with some of my Maltese phrases but I fear he was simply humouring me.

Reiss had certainly put in some effort. He was wearing his mask, the Mexican flag, a Mexican t-shirt and a pair of trousers that looked like a Mexican wrestler would wear them. He also brought with him two cans of silly string spray, I did not have the heart to tell him that it is Japanese wrestlers that do that more than Mexican wrestlers.

I was told four times by four different people that my beard makes me look filthy and unclean. I don’t know why but it was OK when I was joking about it but when four people you don’t know just walk up to you and tell you that your beard makes me you filthy and unwashed ….. well it was enough to make me shave it off when I woke up. 🙁

After a few cans of beer and some nice punch I was just starting to relax and feeling myself becoming all sociable when Michael’s girlfriend announces we are going to play a game.

The game involves wrapping cotton around you and leaving some dangling by your side with a loop in it. You hook a pen onto that loop and run to a bottle of beer and crouch over it like you are having a poo and try to put the pen into the bottle.

After this I thought we would be allowed to drink but no within minutes we were being lined up to play another game. This time you have to hop in a black bin bag to the end of the room, round a beer bottle and back without breaking the bag (or your neck).

I did not think this was fair on me as I was clearly the tallest and could not reach down to the hold the bag so I had to wrap it around my legs which got a lot of jeers about me being a cheat.

Thankfully I was not the only one tired of the games and we knocked a game of charades on the head. Sadly they turned down my offers of playing a game of football or men Vs. women wrestling matches.

Midnight came and we went downstairs to watch Michael and his girlfriend let off fireworks from the roof. I saw the new year in with my arm around a very beautiful Swedish woman, trying to stop her from falling flat on her face.

At about 1am I suddenly felt really light-headed and some serious churning was going on in my stomach. I was not having a very good time so I told Reiss I was off and bailed. I got half way down the road when I was ambushed by two rather drunk women who threw their arms around me and yelled “Happy New Year!” in my ear as they hugged me and gave me a kiss.

As I was waiting at the bus stop anther woman came at me from out of the shadows (well a nightclub actually) and planted one on me. What is it about the start of a new year that makes woman want to kiss ugly scary men that they would normally run a mile from?

I ended the night dry heaving into a bin that smelt like someone had taken a dump into.

Yeah, I’m ending it there.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay