All the times I have written about certain things on this blog I have never once stopped to think that maybe that particular topic I was about to mention might not be something I should share. Never once have I thought “maybe I should not air dirty washing in public”. That was until today.
I battled and tussled with my conscious over whether I should publicly write about this as I am sure people who know me offline will probably judge me and look at me in a very different way than they did before. But I decided that I will write about.
Towards the end of my short and very rocky relationship with Kerry I started to do something, something that I have not done since I was in my teens and then again just before I had my nervous breakdown.
I started to self harm again.
Me self harming is not something that I have been eager to talk about, in fact I have only told two people about doing it in my teens. Why have I not told many people? I’m not sure. Maybe I’m ashamed. Maybe it is linked with my phobia of trusting people. Maybe I don’t like being called an EMO. Maybe it I just nobody’s business but my own.
Why am I admitting it? I’m not sure. I’m certainly not looking for sympathy, I’ve never been someone who wants that. Maybe I’m hoping that by writing this that people will maybe understand a bit more and stop with the “stop being an attention seeker” and “ “snap out of it” comments.
What I do know is that getting out of that relationship was possibly the best decision I have ever made. I might deserve a lot of things but I don’t think I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is supposed to love me but happily hits me and lashes out at me. Especially someone who was in a abusive relationship for ten years herself.
You know what is scary? Even though she hits me, puts me down, insults me and gets off with other guys in front of me when she is drunk, part of me would still go back.
That thought frightens me greatly.