Pre-season training is well underway at Acton Town, I have not been for a couple of weeks and I really felt it when we got into a training match. I only managed 20 minutes before I was on my knees gasping for breath.

We have some new faces in the team now, one of them jumped into a challenge on me and stamped on my foot and did not apologise, I reacted by twatting the ball away and swearing at the top of my voice at him. Learnmore came running over to calm me down as he thought I was going to kick his head in. About a minute later this prick had the ball and I went right through him.

Jayson has seen this happen many times before, he saw me lock into the guy and just rush at him and clatter him nice and hard. Jayson was laughing as I jogged past him because when I did it I sarcastically said “Oh sorry!” That will teach him to foul me and not apologise – Welcome to Acton Town son!

I paid half of my registration fee and I have until the 28th of July to get the rest together, which should not be that difficult. As I paid half of the money I was given my training kit which is to be worn every training session or I will be fined. I’ll have to make sure my dad does not put any of his washing in with it as when he does my clothes get bits of fabric stuck all over them.

Reiss sent me a text as I was going to training saying that he may not be able to come to the comedy club as his uncle and cousin had been arrested and he had to go to Essex with his folks to help sort it out, I guess. He ended up not getting back in time and he missed a fucking brilliant night.

When I got off the train, after training, I decided that I would grab something to eat, have a bath, change my clothes and go to the comedy show on my own. Whilst I was in the queue to get into the club I was molested by a group of overweight drunk women on a hen night, they all had Alice bands on their heads with inflatable penises on them.

I bought a jug of beer and took my seat. There were three blokes sitting to the right of me and one of them kept unleashing silent farts and it was the most disgusting stink I have ever had the misfortune to smell, and I have been in sewers! Even his two mates were having a go at him and telling him he needed to go to hospital, they ended up leaving about half way through the evening.

Before the show started a girl tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if the seats on my left were taken, I told her she could have them and she asked me if I could move up one as there was only three and she needed four. I moved up and she sat down with two other girls and a bloke.

I almost got picked on by Lee Hurst again. When he came on he was talking about having a cold and his first joke was “I’d ask if there was a doctor in the house but I’d be afraid if there was!”, I was one of the first people in the room to get this joke and I laughed very loudly and he looked in my direction and shouted “We have a sharp one in tonight!”. Thankfully I was at the back and the lights stopped him from seeing me. It took about 30 seconds for the rest of the people to get the joke!

I found out that the girl sitting next to me was called Jennifer (not only did she have the same name as my first girlfriend but fuck me she looked the spitting image of her as well) as her posh mate asked her if she fancied another glass of wine. She pulled a bottle out from under her chair and said she was OK for the moment.

She kept saying thank you to me for moving up one whole seat …ONE WHOLE SEAT! At the first interval they buggered off to get some “traditional East End fare” which turned out to be burger and chips.

I went and got myself another jug of beer, the girl who served me the first time served me again and did not ask me what I wanted she just poured it. As I was waiting for my change this drunken bloke barged some poor woman out of the way and tried to force his way to the bar by elbowing me quite hard. I exchanged some words with him and some guy came over and threatened to throw him out, I’m not sure if he was a doorman as the normal guy was working that night.

As I was sitting in my seat waiting for the second part of the show Jennifer and her friends came back from their traditional East End fare and seemed fine from it. She thanked me again for moving and pulled out her bottle of wine and said she was going to enjoy herself tonight.

I bent down and picked up my whole jug of beer and said “So am I!” as I poured myself a pint, she called me an alcoholic and then took a nice big swig of wine from her bottle before pouring herself a glass and then clinking her plastic glass with mine and yelling “cheers” in my ear.

During the last interval I went and got myself a pint, when I sat back in my seat Jennifer suddenly realised that I was on my own and then took pity on me and decided to indulge me in some small talk which ended in her telling me four times in the space of about two minutes that she was “well bladdered”.

She thought that I was a student, judging the way I was dressed, and she would not accept that I was actually 28 and not 21 as she had thought. I was wearing a pair of Converse shoes, black faded jeans and a brown t-shirt so I guess I could have looked like a manky student, especially with my weird hair!

When she found out my age she took a bit of a shine to me and kept talking to me throughout the final third of the show and touching my leg every time Dougie Dunlop cracked a joke.

When we went outside she asked me if I knew of any pubs in the area that would be open now, I told her to try The Hayfield and gave them directions, she asked me if I fancied tagging along but the effects of the training session I had earlier had finally caught up with me and I took a rain-cheque and went home to stuff my face and fall asleep in front of The Wrestling Channel.

I’ve got to go to the comedy club on my own a lot more!