We couldn’t find the curtains that we were going to put up in the newly decorated front room today, I was sure all the net curtains and curtains were stored in the linen cupboard (that’s right mofos, we have a linen cupboard because I’m better than you) – a posh name for the boiler cupboard – but they were not there.

Rather than wait for me to check other areas of the flat my dad became convinced somebody had stolen the curtains, well not ‘somebody’ he actually accused my girlfriend. He didn’t say it to me but I heard him say to my mum “I think Tracy took them” and then my mum replied “you should control who comes into your home.”

This morning I found them in a black bag stuffed into the bottom of another cupboard, I confronted him with them and said that he now owed Tracy an apology for calling her a thief and accusing her of stealing them, of course he is denying that he ever said it but I heard him and my ears are in 100% perfect working order.

Tonight he pulled the toilet door out of its rail (we have a sliding toilet door to allow him to get in and out easily) by leaning on it, rather than admit he did it (accidents do happen) he blamed me even though I was in a completely different room and HEARD him do it, he then tried to blame it on the dog.

We had our first trick-or-treater tonight, when did this become a custom? I thought kids only begged for sweets on the 31st? I had no sweets to give to had to turn them away. I don’t like doing it anyway, I did it once and the kids didn’t want the sweets, I guess they saw me put the poison in….

Photo by Greg Jordan from FreeImages