I have documented quite a few times on this blog about my journeys up and down the country using Megabus coaches, some people love my little rants about the budget coach company, while some roll their eyes at yet another one popping into their RSS reader. I have travelled with this company so many times in the past four years that I believe I could write an in depth guide book about them – I won’t, but I will write a little survival post for this blog.

Before we start here are a couple of little tips to help your journey go more smoothly:

1. The coaches have two temperatures – hot as hell or cold as a witches tit, it is always advisable to take a coat and a jumper that you can take off if it is too hot, or use as blankets if it is really cold – the jumper can also come in handy as an emergency pillow if you feel like napping.

2. NEVER take your shoes off, not only will other passengers blame any foul smells at your feet (literally) but there is a good chance the heat will swell your feet up and you won’t be able to get them back into your shoes.

3. Arrive for your coach at least 30 minutes before it is due to leave, once you are there stake a claim for a spot in the queue as early as you can, if there is no queue then form one and make sure people know about it, sadly this won’t stop people barging past the queue.

4. The toilets on these coaches are ATROCIOUS so I’d advise you to go before you get onto the coach and refrain from drinking anything, unless you are good at standing in pee, holding your nose and peeing on soggy tissue, while swaying violently from side to side.

I find it is a good idea to break up my journey into little chunks, travelling from London to Manchester is a FIVE HOUR journey.

8am – 9am – Silently complain to yourself about how rude some of the other passengers are who have barged past you and smashed their suitcases into your shins. Look out of the window at the fools struggling to get to work during rush hour in the snow/cold/rain.

9am – 9:30am – Breakfast time! There are rules about bringing hot foods onto the coach so I normally pack a few sandwiches, a tub of yogurt and maybe a small drink, depending on if I have been before I got on the coach or not.

9:30am – 11am – Have a bit of a read. I always bring some magazines and newspapers with me either from home or from the FOUR WHSmith outlets at Victoria station.

11am – 11:30am – You have done very well to still be in your seat without having attacked anybody, reward yourself with a little snack like some biscuits or a bag of crisps. If you have attacked anyone then calm down and have a sugary snack.

11:30am- 12:30pm – If you have brought a laptop or MP3 player with you then now is the time to settle down for an hour of watching some YouTube clips or wiggling around in your seat to some funky sounds. You’ll start seeing Manchester at this point – time to get excited.

12:30pm – 1pm – You’re in Manchester now and it is time to put your things away and start staring out of the window like an excited child, hopefully you won’t see the house of your girlfriend/boyfriend/friend/family member and sadly realise that when you get off at the city centre you will have to take a one hour bus ride to go back on yourself.

Once you get off the coach for your luggage just move out of the way and let the impatient people fight among each other, your legs will be hurting enough after sitting in the same seat for five hour, without having more people hitting them with their belongings.

There you have it, my little survival guide that will hopefully stop people from killing each other on these journeys, or at the very least keep the killings to a respectable number.