Do you know something? I really hate the theatre. Up until recently I had never been, I had an image in my head of what a night at the theatre would involve and I hated it. After spending an evening at the theatre I still bloody hate it!

I had brought a friend some tickets to see a musical version of Billy Elliott at one of those fancy theatres outside Victoria station, she had been dying to see it for a while and being a good friend I thought it would be a nice present.

She, on the other hand, is not a nice person, because she invited me to go with her. What was I meant to say? No? How can you say “I really really hate the theatre, even though I’ve never been” without sounding like a great big baby?

I decided to grit my teeth and put up with it. Even though she was a nasty person it was her day and not mine, I would console myself with a couple of beers during the show and I would mumble curses about her.

We met for a meal first, another little birthday treat – see what a great friend I am? We settled on a nice place called Dim T, which is a Thai restaurant. I was actually surprised that they let me in because even though I was dressed smart I still looked like I was due in court.

I went mad and had crispy beef strips with rice while my friend had a massive bowl of noodles with nuts and veg in it. The food took AGES to arrive, I had polished off a rather large bottle of Tiger beer and she has down a large mandarin mojito cocktail before our food had turned up. How long does it take to bung it in the microwave…. that is how they cook it, right?

After a brief argument about who would pay the bill (she kept waving £20 notes in my face) we headed to the theatre. I was searched VERY thoroughly by a security man on my way in, I’m afraid that is the closest I get to sex these days. Sadly it is one way; they get offended if you try to search them.

Since I had paid for the meal and the tickets she insisted on buying us a drink at the intermission (she kept telling me off for calling it half time), I relented and was glad I did. At this theatre you pre-order your drinks before the show and they are ready for you when you come out at half time intermission. We had a bottle of Grolsch and a Bacardi & coke and it came to £14.25!

She goes to the theatre on a regular basis so she just paid it and thought nothing of it; I was determined not to have another drink in there again. I’ve never made a bottle of beer last 2 hours before.

I really enjoyed the show. The bastards put on a very good performance and they even managed to fit in a steady stream of funny jokes and one-liners in it, the smug talented twats! How dare you make my first trip to the theatre enjoyable, now I shall be expected to attend more often and neither of us wants this! What have you done?

And it was bloody hot in there. Everyone was using their £10 programmes to fan themselves; I was too cheap to buy one for myself so I just sat there with my shirt undone, only one button kept me from being asked to leave the premises for indecent exposure.

After the third standing ovation the show was over. I popped to the toilet and came back to see my friend standing by the entrance leaning on my umbrella as she was falling asleep. I wish I had my camera to take a picture of it but it was turned off in her handbag. :/

We fancied another drink but I didn’t fancy paying inflated prices so I took her to a pub opposite the station for a couple.

OK I’ll admit it. The show was nice. It was funny, sad, moving, very well put together and I got to see little children swearing and asking boys to look at their fannies (well it made me laugh). It was a thoroughly enjoyable evening, even with the overzealous guy in the toilet who tried to help you wash your hands for a £1.

God I hate the theatre.