I stumbled across this group this morning. There is an American Version about invading Britain which I shall post tomorrow.
Petition To Revoke The Independence Of The United States of America
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium.” Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’; skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”
You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary.” Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “uhh”, “like”, and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up “interspersed.”
There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won’t have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents — Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon.” If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American “football.” There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football – which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2010.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders,” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called “Indecisive Day.”
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call ‘French fries’ are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling “beer” is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine.” This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or “gasoline,” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $10/US gallon — get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
I found this absolutely hilarious and although the owner of the group says it is just a bit of harmless fun the Americans are not happy….
WALL OF SHAME:
Jerry Kassin (E. Michigan):
Gordon, every democratic nation on earth is based on the example of the US
no gordon, unlike brits, americans actually are somewhat aware of politics outside of our borders
let me spell it out for everyone, T-H-E U-S-A R-U-L-E-S T-H-E W-O-R-L-D, simple as that, there is no other argument
Jeff Lyons (Northeastern):
Dude, like… Queen Elizabeth totally like died, like, 400 years ago. Totally.
Who the fuck is Tony Blair?
Chris Cronin (St. Edwards):
um, democracies don’t have queens
Tyler S. Cline (Knoxville, TN):
You All are a bunch of bristish faggots, I beg you please try to revoke our independence, we already kicked your ass in Two wars when were just small colonies, and we have saved your ass countless times, So please do something about it and see what fucking happens, oh yeah and how can you down us? your fucking British, do us all a favor and kill yourselves
Josephine McDougal (Houston, TX):
As a proud American woman who loves America, President Bush, Jesus, our Flag, and our brave troops fighting in Iraq, I just want to say you British people are reually scumbags! If you hate America so much, why don’t you all just join Al Qaeda and go to Iraq? GOD BLESS AMERICA AND OUR PRESIDENT BUSH!
John A Muir (Southern Miss.):
There will be no revoking of the U.S’s independence. We may have become a little big for our britches, as the old cliche goes, but we are still by far the best country in the world in terms of freedom, rights, equality, and fairness. Every other country I’ve visited, including the ones I have had the pleasure of dropping bombs on, had overly centralized power, no seperation of church and state, corrupt government with no checks and balances and oppressed their people. Many people claim that the U.S is the big bully and that we are ‘BAD!’. But I find it all to funny how many foreigners try to escape their countries(if they can) and gladly move to the “Evil” U.S.. Not Britain. Even Canada, with its God knows how many political entities is bogged down with enough unethical bureaucracy and corruptness to make a bad U.S. politician look like Mother Teresa. The U.S. is far from perfect, but you don’t see a lot(if any) Americans trying to escape or performing an exodus to get out of here
Jeff Morrow (South County Secondary):
see that is why america is always gonna be better the th UNITED KINGDOM because we can actually tak criticism and not avoid it like a pussy.
Jack Geerer (Purdue):
Remember what happens when you try to revoke our independence? You have to fight. Remember what happens when Brits try to fight? They lose. You worthless pieces of shit still have a queen? Isn’t it 2007?
Casey Johnson (Simpson):
Listen up you English queers, America has kicked/saved your ass so many times that its sad. England itself has become little more than a liberal cess-pool, filled to the brim with ifeminant queers.
Jon Bigelow (Pulaski Junior – Senior High School):
Fuck every single one of you. ur just all bitchin cuz the United States is the best damn country in the world and u hav a problem with it. I say, go back to ur little ass, piece of shit country and start a petition to not make ur country such a shithole, and quit bitchin about the United States. You can take ur petition and shove it up your ASS.
P.S. The United States is better than any of your little-stupid-bitch filled countries.How bout’ I make a petition to make all of the worthless countries shut the fuck up about the United States, its not our fault that u suck and were better than u.
Connor McKenzie (Wauwatosa East High School):
FUCK ENGLAND! GET OUTTA IRELAND YOU LIMEY GITS!
Nick Bergman (Springfield, MO:
so tell me how does it feel that half of the people in your country are muslim. if i was you i wouldnt ride any buses, or take the underground.
Sam Ash Croft (Switzerland):
you fucking british fags think you can make some group which gets rid of america well yuo cant cos we have more bombs than you and we’re not such big pussies as you that we would not use them.
another thing that pisses me of is how you people dont realise how gay and faggotish you all are. I went to europe once and to britain and everyone there was a fucking mutha fucking shitbag
Jon Molesan (Wagner):
Didn’t we bail your Brit asses out during World War II?
YOU’RE WELCOME.
Bear Jacobsen (Berkeley High):
haha at least america has freedom of speech. Fucking magna carta can suck my dick.
Brian Boyle (Sarasota, FL):
AS AN AMERICAN I WOULD BE GLAD TO TURN OVER THE TITLE OF WORLDS POLICE MAN TO THE BRITS. BUT ALAS YOU WILL BE SPEAKING ARIRIBIC AND PRAYING TO ALA 5 TIMES A DAY. OH AND BY THE WAY, IF YOU DON’T LIKE BEING A MUSLIM. DON’T COME FUCKINK CRYING TO THE US TO BAIL YOUR ASSES OUT YET AGAIN!
Zane A. Kerney (SUNY Maritime) wrote:
“fuck you guys the british empire sucks a tit.
america rocks (except the fact that i cant get a title) britian now sucks more ass than before. and whats this president shit um you prime minister gave head to our pres so fuck off
australia sucks ass. fucken america is going down but i sure as well wont let canada, australia, china and india rise up. oh and THE SUN SETS OVER HEAR bitch”
Akash Kashyap (Torrey Pines High School):
“is the creator Muslim? That would explain a lot of this fake made up bullshit”
Some people can’t take a joke…. 🙂
Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay
