To show that I am fair here is a Facebook Group that was set up in retaliation to this one here.
Petition To Annex The United Kingdom As Part Of The United States
In the light of your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments (most notably the French) and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a commonwealth of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal codes. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London and far more cultural. We believe the main reason why Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II does not fancy Utah is because it will turn her already sagging and dry skin into a rather hard leathery shell. Besides people over the age of 80 just do not know what they are talking about 75% of the time – the Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip is a prime example of this and his son Prince Charles is fast following his example. If you want a national figure head appoint someone much younger and far more attractive.
To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are to be introduced with immediate effect:
1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren’t always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let’s use your “aluminium” example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name “alumium” for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into “aluminum” to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry.
However, we’d like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It’s an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Chester Minor.
The letter “U” will be removed from words such as “armour” and “neighbour”. Skipping the letter “U” is not considered laziness on our part since the correct pronunciation of those words would be “ar-moo-er” and “nay-boo-er”
You will also end your love affair with the letter “S” (and by the way, it is pronounced zee, not zed. The pronunciation “zee” actually comes from late 17th-century English dialect) and the suffix -ise will be replaced with the suffix -ize.
You also seem to pronounce words horribly wrong, even in your own language. Let’s take Edinburgh for example. You will realize that it is pronounced “Ed-in-burg”, not “Ed-in-burra”. Where does the –rra come from? If you wish to refer to it still as Edinburgh, we suggest you remove the last two letters and replace them with –rra.
Cockney rhyming slang will no longer be used, as it is an inefficient way to communicate with another. Say what you mean, there is no need to find another word that rhymes with the word you are trying to say.
2. Since you will switch to the American standard of spelling Microsoft will be notified on your behalf to discontinue the British language pack for the family of Office products.
3. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we’ll talk about the English and Australian accent issue. (Here’s a hint: If you hear the word “eh” while speaking to someone, this is a clear indication that they are Canadian. Example: Nice weather we’re having, eh?)
You will also have to learn Southern accents. Cops will no longer broadcast subtitles.
4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don’t rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked “Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels”, “Trainspotting”, and “The Full Monty”. We’ve also heard good things about this “Billy Elliot”. But one good movie a year doesn’t exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, your music industry is great. We’ll leave that intact. (The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Deep Purple, Iron Maiden and Muse just to name a few). And please stop going on about Shakespeare, the guys been dead for nearly 400 years.
5. It is inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies, especially if that monarch has no role other than ceremonially. Let’s not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. Rule Britannia will be the tune with which you will sing your next national anthem to. We will get to work on the lyrics immediately.
6. “Football” as you call it will be a permissible pastime, although you will be required to call it soccer. Police officers will be placed at strategic points around the field and riot gear will always be nearby. If you do cause an incident, we will tear your beloved “Football” away from you faster than you can say “Bangers and Mash”. The NFL will be started in the UK as well as college Football (The American one) teams. We welcome any two of your rugby players to play an American Football player anytime. We will also be happy to show your rugby players how to wear proper protective gear, so they don’t lose brain cells every time they play.
7. You will not be allowed to own guns. This is because you fail to see how harmless wooden shields and spears are compared to a weapon capable of firing a projectile at upwards of 1,300 feet per second (Refer to the Anglo-Zulu War). You only pretend to be pompous intellects because you don’t have the testicular fortitude to own a gun, and thus only rely on drive by insults.
8. The 5th of November will no longer be celebrated. The 4th of July will replace this celebration and become a nationally recognized holiday, thus reminding you of when 13 of your most productive colonies decided not to recognize you as their ruler.
9. We have German cars, and think they are ugly and uncomfortable. British cars will be banned, as they are too small (height wise) for any person to fit into. We will airlift several hundred thousand Pontiacs, Buicks, and Cadillacs. American cars were crap, we agree, in the 70’s until the late 90’s. Since then, American cars are quite well built, very comfortable, and get good gas mileage.
All roundabouts will be replaced with intersections. You will begin to drive on the right side of the road, seeing as the majority of cars that are driven in the world are. You will convert to the American standard (gallons instead of liters). Litre will be spelled Liter.
10. Anything fried in animal fat will be banned. (This includes your precious “chips”) Belgium was at one time a part of France, so calling them French fries does not seem too far off. To end confusion, thinly sliced pieces of potato (called crisps in the UK) will be referred to as chips, not crisps. Chips will be called French fries, or more commonly, fries.
11. A picture of a Native American will appear inside the state of Massachusetts on all British Tea. He will affectionately be known as “Bosty”.
12. American Microbreweries will be established and you will see how Beer is supposed to taste. We do enjoy Killian’s Irish Red though (Good job Ireland, for your recipe at least). That company will be incorporated with Samuel Adams.
13. You will no longer be allowed to call it petrol, for it is called gasoline. You will adopt the American pricing standard for it (roughly around 35p/liter).
14. The American legal system grows and changes because we don’t live under the impression that our legal system is infallible. We wholeheartedly believe that the British could take a lesson from the way that the Americans respect but don’t worship their legal system. We have a channel called C-SPAN that broadcasts live from our chambers of law (the House and Senate) and occasionally broadcasts British Parliament. We tune to that channel solely to chuckle at how infantile and unorganized your lawmakers are.
We find it especially amusing that our government observes parliamentary procedure whilst (by the way that word is ours now) yours seemingly does not.
15. We will tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for the abomination known as “Teletubbies”. Anne Wood will be promptly ordered to pay a fee of $2,500 for any person who suffered psychological abuse due to watching the afore mentioned show.
16. Taxes will be imposed on British citizens for all damages incurred by the British during the Revolutionary War and War of 1812.
Thank you for your cooperation.
—The Wall of Shame—
From: Wazir Seyed (Nottingham)
To: Andy Alessandro
Subject:
Message: U FUCKIN DUM AMERICAN LOSER UR THE ONES WHO SPEAK OUR LANGUAGE! the language ENGLish comes from ENGLand not fukkin america!! get it asshole?
Michael Hewitt (Northumbria):
“yeah well we created the worlds first working computer and the TV so kiss my british arse you stupid yankee fuck (yeah im drunk and eating a kebab at 3 in the morning)
BRITISH BEER NOT AS GOOD AS AMERICAN? GET A LIFE COCK FEATURES”
Andrew Dennison (Uni. Sheffield):
“What a rubbish group.
Definitive proof the internet is full of loonies who can’t come up with their own ideas.
Now please poke yourselves in the eye; I can’t do it from here.”
Robert Hale (Castle School):
the foreign workers are the reason for the MRSA superbug out breaks in hospitals because they are too lazy to do a proper job.
Kim Latchford (London):
Anybody stupid enough to vote George W. Bush into power needs assistance to go to the toilet. To let such a feeble retard rule your country is frankly, disgusting. Any attempt to take britain and make it part of america will be met with extreme prejudice. We are happy with our queen, our PM and our way of life and therefore if you try to make Bush our leader we will use your own nuclear weapons against you. They cast British people as the evil genious in Hollywood for 1 reason: we are far smarter than you stupid yanks. One more thing, Monica Lewinski had far more president in her than George Wanker Bush ever will. Keep Britain British”
Tom Lynch (Uni. Reading):
This group’s reactionary statement made by yet another unbelievably ignorant american, well ur mission statement can be dissected in countless times, r u a complete moron? Firstly, adherence to the English language is expected because we invented the language. Secondly, pronounciation has got nothing to do with spelling u penis – no there is no case for spelling neighbour nay-boor. The cockney rhyming slang ur refer to is a part of a progressive cultural history – of which u have none being an essentially nation of immigrants. The American accent is lazy, nasal and uncharismatic in compared to ur Canadian brothers. There is no question that a Rugby player would absolutely batter an American football player – AF players are just big and bulk grown up on protien shakes and softened pads. European cars are much developed than cheap-arse US cars – of which youre oil-market enables u to construct innefficient engines. Any pleb with half a brain knows that Belguim and France are seperate.
Steven Clark (Central Memorial High School):
AMERICA FUCKING SUCKS
Aldus Von Der Burg (Monaco) wrote
at 7:28pm
Being born in Britain actually makes you more superior than American automatically, you know why, well its because USA is a rejected part of Britain, you are a branch that was cut off the tree ages ago because you are worthless, and to say that we speak the same language is because you used to belong to England, but your arrogance and foolishness led you to speak a inferior and incorrect language which you wrongfully call English, and why do you think it is called English??? doesnt that mean it comes from England.
I think you should think again what you are saying in this group, after all, you are also the most hated Ex Colony of the English Empire.
not to forget that you are rapidly becoming the most hated country in the World.
Ben Jones (Christ College Brecon):
First, learn that there are fucking 4 countries in Britain, i am a proud Welshman who can actually laugh at himself from time to time not go around with a stick up my ass.
Your economy and currency is a joke, $2 to the £!! SUCK ON THAT TWATS.
Your president is a fool and now uv screwd up Iraq just like Korea, learn to shoot straight.
You have no culture, your children carry guns and if it wasnt for us u wudnt exist.
15% of your population is OBEASE.
American football is shite, watch rugby and learn how to take a tackle without a helmet.
And yeah, back at the time of the Zulu war, the British Empire coverd almost a third of the world, i guess thats what your trying to do now huh? Take over the world? We you were just a conquest to us. All your anscestors are British wether u like it or not.
And we are proud to have a Queen, it means we actually have a history to look past the 17th Century.
Johnny Micklethwaite (Exeter UK):
nice try retards…never going to happen. first of all, we are always right with our pronunciation…its you who are wrong and should just except it. secondly, everyone hates america, is if we would willingly become part of you. thirdly we created you [which was a mistake we know due to how badly you turned out…benifit of hinsight is useless now] so you should damm well respect us. and lastly and proberly most importantly….who in their right mind would freely live under the leadership of the most idiotic and stupidest person in the whole world [i.e george w bush]. i mean what a twat, and what a f##ked up nation for voteing him in, how dum are you people. so in respects to your ‘enlightened’ idea to annex ‘US’, try another country…Texis would be a good start. And anyway, as if your army would suceed in conquoring us. your average GI Joe would come over, see how well we fight, and in the words of cartmen from southpark say,’fuck you guys… i’m going home. take his advice, piss off
Matt Nettlefold (Marlborough):
GO FUCK URSELVES!! oh and all the people who created this group from england should be ashamed of yourselves. “i’m shaking my head” tsk tsk tssk
(This one particularly bothers me)
Today at 5:16pm
Message: Pearl Harbour Anyone?
From: Jensen Gibbs
9/11… CRASH! Burning, Children Crying/Dying, Realistic Men And Women Jumping From High Windows?
Lovely Stuff =]
This should prove that I’m no taking side. 🙂
Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay
