Everything seems to annoy me at the moment. Literally EVERYWHERE I look there is someone who is doing something that makes me want to scream into their face until their eyeballs pop out of their sockets from the force of my angry yelling.

Some of it might even seem to be trivial. You might look at it and think “that is slightly annoying, but it won’t spoil my day” yet there I am turning a weird shade of red as I start to twitch and mutter to myself.

Here are just a selection:

Christenings – I have been invited to six christenings this year so far by people who think it is the groovy thing to do to get their baby baptised. Why? The only time any of your family has entered a church is when you stole the lead off the roof or when you attended a funeral.

Do these people even know what religion it is associated with? Or are they just doing it because it is a nice excuse to have a big piss-up and get lots of presents for the baby?

Midget Weightlifters – The Paralympics have been very successful, there is no denying that, but if you put on an event where tiny men lift weights and pull faces like they are trying to have a shit, then I am going to find it funny and laugh about it.

How can you not watch a one-legged long jumper fall flat on his face in the sand and not even smirk? You obviously have mental health issues.

Impatient People – I was standing on a train station platform the other day waiting for a train (that’s where I like to wait for them, you could try the bus stop, but you’d be disappointed) when a train arrived it was packed and I had enough time that I decided to wait for another one. As the doors closed a man ran onto the platform and he got so angry at missing the train that he turned around and put his foot through a pane of glass that was part of the sheltering on the seating area.

I remember as he pulled his foot free that I turned to look at the train forecaster board (what are they actually called?) and saw that the next train was due in ONE MINUTE! You couldn’t wait one fucking minute for a train? Because of your impatience you now have a bloody leg, torn trousers and the guard came down and had you arrested for criminal damage. Now you are DEFINITELY going to be late for wherever it was you desperately needed to be.

Facebook – People who have been my friend on Facebook will be aware that I now only post links to articles I have published, this is because I have become so sick and tired of people I have on my list that if I read one more post from them I might explode rage!

I have people on my list who role-play as characters from Holby City, Casualty and EastEnders, what is the fucking point in that? Oh yes I’m really sure that Phil Mitchell from EastEnders wants to be MY friend and he is dating Gail Platt from Coronation Street!

Then you have the people who keep threatening to shut their account down if people don’t talk to them. Grow the fuck up and get out of your house and experience some of the world! Seriously, the light will only hurt your eyes for a couple of seconds, but it will pass!

I was going to list my dad as another annoyance, but I’ve been threatened by my family to stop mentioning all the stupid things he does and how he gets up my fucking nose because they don’t want people to know what he is like. That was a HUGE part of my Shtick.

I feel a little bit better now. 

Photo by Rene Asmussenfoto from FreeImages