I was invited to Eddie’s birthday bash at Ryan’s Bar in Stoke Newington last night. I decided to get there early with Reiss as he was asked to help blow up balloons but we simply sat with Alfie & Wes and drank wine like sophisticated middle-class people.

I decided to play some jokes on Alfie so I stole a joke from the TV series Bottom where Eddie buys Ritchie an empty miniature bottle of Malibu for Christmas and then gives him a piece of paper with the words Madam Swish written on it (Ritchie thinks it is a date with a whore but it is a horse) for his birthday.

I told Reiss about this and he decided to steal a joke where Eddie gives Ritchie a used toilet roll with a piece of paper taped over one end with a drawing on it. It ended up upstaging my joke! (I left the piece of paper at home by mistake) How dare he upstage me with his creative drawing of Sue Carpenter in a bikini!

Will, Jen and her husband (I have never actually been introduced so have no idea what his name is) turned up, I have not seen Jen and Will in a while so it was nice to catch up and hang with them for an evening. Jen was going to take care of the music but I think Reiss was trying to take over because I was hanging out near the decks when Jen grabbed me and asked me to look after the music and don’t let Reiss near the decks until she got back.

I had no idea what I was doing, some lovely lady came to my aide and was basically standing next to me picking and playing the songs and I was taking credit for them like some kind of solo version of Milli Vanilli.

A message for Jen: Never ask a man who is 75% blind, and does not wear his glasses outside, to take over the decks, especially when the room is poorly lit! 

Reiss got a bit upset for some reason, I went outside to say goodbye to Alfie, Eddie, Will, Wes & Jen and saw Reiss sitting inside at a table looking dejected; like he had received a promise from a liar.

We ended up walking to the bus stop and Reiss got very upset and angry when he found out that the number 106 bus that we normally get had been cut and in his anger he not only became quite abusive to an innocent woman but he also kicked a brick wall and hurt his foot.

He then started shouting at a bus driver and it was at this point that I decided to walk home. I stopped off at the chip shop for my ritual bag of chips but I when I got home I fell sleep and forgot to eat them. The thought of cold chips made me feel sick so I chucked them out.

I had a really nice time, apart from Reiss picking a fight with a wall, it is Will’s birthday this Friday and I’ve been invited so hopefully it will be just as good. Although the start of it will be in a pub called The Intrepid Fox which is possibly the hottest pub in the bloody world! I swear they leave the heating on full blast all year round just to get the punters drinking more!