I caught the coach up to Manchester again on Friday to spend the weekend with my girlfriend. I am not sure how long I will keep taking the coach any more because I do not like the fact that everybody barges you out of the way with their suitcases to try and get on the coach first.

Every time I have got the coach at either Victoria Coach Station or the Manchester Shudehill Interchange it is the same. You will see a small line of people who are waiting patiently and then as soon as the coach pulls up loads of people appear out of nowhere and start barging the queuing people out of the way.

Then there is the problem of the journey taking almost five hours. And let us not forget that there is a smelly toilet on every coach. The toilet smells because people urinate on the floor and shit in it despite the driver saying you must use it only to pee as there is no flushing option. Five hours with a box of shits is no fun.

Of course it sometimes has good moments. The coach will stop at a service station car-park in Coventry so that they can change drivers. The drivers will both say they are only changing drivers and are not stopping for food or cigarette breaks (says on your ticket, non-stop service).

Last week one man got off and despite being called back by both drivers, and a member of the public, he just quickened his pace into the service station. The new driver then drove off and left him stranded. I have never seen people on a coach look so happy and smug as we thought of him coming out to the car-park to see the coach gone. What if he had no more money to get back to London?

The problem is the price. Getting to and from Manchester on the coach is a total of £27.50. The same journey by train will cut about six hours off the time but will cost me about £100. The tight-wad in me gets the coach.

I’m 32 and my girlfriend is 40, how did we spend Friday night? We went clubbing baby!

We picked up her daughter (21), her niece (21) and one of her daughter’s male friends (22) and went to a trendy nightclub in Stockport called Club XXL. The three girls were rubbing their hands with glee at the thought of dancing on the two poles.

My girlfriend’s daughter saw me taking some pills and washing it down with my pint of bitter. She asked what they were, I could have lied and told her they were weight loss pills or medication but I’m a big boy and told her what they were. She ran off and told her mum who came back and gave me a disapproving look.

Speaking of poles, the ones in the club got me into trouble with my girlfriend. We had picked part of the club to put our stuff and drinks and it was right next to one of the poles. What do drunk sexy girls do when they see poles? They dance on them. And what do men do when a sexy girl dances on a pole right next to them? Yes, thy look.

And if you are a man and are denying this then you are lying.

One girl in particular kept returning to the pole and was making damn sure I was looking when she started dancing and made sure I noticed she was going commando. My girlfriend didn’t appreciate the free show and had to be pulled away from hitting her. Someone my girlfriend met earlier had severe words with the dancing girl later on.

Despite that it was a really good night out and everyone enjoyed themselves, which was nice to see because me and the three girls have had very little to smile about lately in our own lives.

After dropping everyone home in the cab, me and the girlfriend went back to the hotel at about 4:30am absolutely knackered.