I suffered from my first panic attack this morning for the first time in a couple of years, I’m not sure what brought it on again, maybe it was the fact that the doctors continue to refuse to give me anymore antidepressants that has something to do with this returning because it has certainly flared up my bipolar.

I was forced to walk around my garden and sit in one of the garden chairs for a bit to try and calm myself down. It doesn’t matter how many times you have one of these attacks they always leave you in the same state. My poor dog had never been in the same room as me before when I had one so she was cowering under a table, trying to figure out why her sexy, intelligent, daddy had acted in this way.

I’m not sure if all doctor surgeries work this system but at mine you can be seen quicker if you agree to see any doctor, a lot of people like this system as it stops them waiting weeks, and sometimes months, for their doctor.

When I first went to the doctors about my depression I saw a doctor who was brilliant, I spent 45 minutes in his office and I ended up seeing him once a week for a couple of months and each time he would not rush me out of his office he would listen to me and offer advice.

All of a sudden I wasn’t allowed to see him anymore. Every time I ask to see him for an appointment the receptionist tells me he is “currently unavailable”, I have offered to wait on the list to see him but she says that is not an option and refuses to say why he is “currently unavailable.”

The doctors I see now refuse to prescribe me with any antidepressants because when I ran out last time I didn’t ask for more for two months and because I didn’t kill myself within those two months (or try to) that means I don’t need them. Four of the doctors have said this to me.

They don’t even like giving me cream for my psoriasis, you’d think these people were being forced to pay for every bit of medication they dish out.

I’ve tried my hand at alternative methods like St John’s Wort but it just doesn’t seem strong enough, I could increase the dose but I don’t know I don’t fancy being known as someone who overdosed on St John’s Wort.

Photo by Bill Hardwick from FreeImages