My sister Charlane:

Her son Jack:

Her daughter Megan (she bloody hates me!):

My sister Katrina:

Her son Nathan:

Her Daughter Nicola (this one actually likes me!):

My miserable dad:

Popularity: 5% [?]

I have recently been playing a game called Stick Cricket and I have started to hate the game and the people who make the game, mainly because I can not complete the game if I am honest with myself.

- The ball swerves like nothing I have ever seen in a real cricket match.

- The bowler will sometimes hurl the ball at you (like they do in baseball) and it will smash you in the face and you fall onto your wicket and you are still out!

- When you hit a ball and the fielder catches it you can quite clearly see they have dropped the ball but you are still out!

- Sometimes you are out BEFORE you have even hit the bloody ball!

I was playing their World Domination game. The premise is pretty clear, you have an all-star team and you must take on other countries and be the best in the world. You start off by facing Bermuda who laughingly always have a score of over 200.

Whenever I get to about 150 my men start falling like a row of dominoes, as I type this I have just lost five men on the trot! All for ducks!

Maybe it is their plan to have games that are inaccurate as it makes you want to play again and beat them but obviously only the sad people who spend every waking hour on the game will ever get anywhere with it.

I’ve just read that last paragraph out loud to myself and it sounds like sour grapes on my part.

Popularity: 5% [?]

I was invited to Eddie’s birthday bash at Ryan’s Bar in Stoke Newington last night. I decided to get there early with Reiss as he was asked to help blow up balloons but we simply sat with Alfie & Wes and drank wine like sophisticated middle-class people.

I decided to play some jokes on Alfie so I stole a joke from the TV series Bottom where Eddie buys Ritchie an empty miniture bottle of Malibu for Christmas and then gives him a piece of paper with the words Madam Swish written on it (Ritchie thinks it is a date with a whore but it is a horse) for his bithday.

I told Reiss about this and he decided to steal a joke where Eddie gives Ritchie a used toilet roll with a piece of paper taped over one end with a drawing on it. It ended up upstaging my joke! (I left the piece of paper at home by mistake) How dare he upstage me with his creative drawing of Sue Carpenter in a bikini!

Will, Jen and her husband (I have never actually been introduced so have no idea what his name is) turned up, I have not seen Jen and Will in a while so it was nice to catch up and hang with them for an evening. Jen was going to take care of the music but I think Reiss was trying to take over because I was hanging out near the decks when Jen grabbed me and asked me to look after the music and don’t let Reiss near the decks until she got back.

I had no idea what I was doing, some lovely lady came to my aide and was basically standing next to me picking and playing the songs and I was taking credit for them like some kind of solo version of Milli Vanilli.

A message for Jen: Never ask a man who is 75% blind, and does not wear his glasses outside, to take over the decks, especially when the room is poorly lit!

Reiss got a bit upset for some reason, I went outside to say goodbye to Alfie, Eddie, Will, Wes & Jen and saw Reiss sitting inside at a table looking dejected; like he had received a promise from a liar.

We ended up walking to the bus stop and Reiss got very upset and angry when he found out that the number 106 bus that we normally get had been cut and in his anger he not only became quite abusive to an innocent woman but he also kicked a brick wall and hurt his foot.

He then started shouting at a bus driver and it was at this point that I decided to walk home. I stopped off at the chip shop for my ritual bag of chips but I when I got home I fell sleep and forgot to eat them. The thought of cold chips made me feel sick so I chucked them out.

I had a really nice time, apart from Reiss picking a fight with a wall, it is Will’s birthday this Friday and I’ve been invited so hopefully it will be just as good. Although the start of it will be in a pub called The Intrepid Fox which is possibly the hottest pub in the bloody world! I swear they leave the heating on full blast all year round just to get the punters drinking more!

Popularity: 4% [?]

Every night I will scan and clean up my dads computer for him, I do it because I can sit in the front room, watch Sky and play Football Manager on his machine, but obviously I pretend I am cleaning his computer up to be a nice and loving son.

Every night I normally clean out abou 50-70 viruses, about 10-15 trojans and hundreds of spyware. When I returned from my weekend away I made the mistake of cleaning his computer up and was faced with the horrible task of having to dig into his computer to remove some very stubborn programs.

I ended up removing over 200 viruses, 47 trojans and over 12,000 pieces of spyware. How the hell does one person accum that much in only three days?!

Well a couple of days ago the computer had finally had enough and died. I recognised the problem as I’ve seen it happen before, one of the viruses he had downloaded had killed his hard drive.

The thing is I had warned him about looking at certain web sites because they install these viruses and stuff to your computer without your knowledge but he thinks I’m an idiot so I simply laughed at him when he told me his computer does not work anymore.

He does not believe it is a virus and a grand daughter from the Maltese side of the family has been summoned to come and fix it. Hey, I’ve only been working with computers for 10 years so what the hell do I know about them?

Popularity: 9% [?]

I was a little bit bored and decided to channel surf the music channels on Sky, I don’t know why I do this because I always come across a version of a classic song that some bastard has decided to put a shite beat to and have some girls in revealing outfits dance in the video.

I came across a channel called Fizz and in the corner is a spot where listeners can send in pictures for everyone to see, there was a picture of a young girl (about 16-18) and she had her tits on show and the caption underneath said “Would you like to slide your cock between these guys?”

I flicked to the next channel which is called Channel U (they are owned by the same company who own Fizz) and again some young black girl was showing off her huge breasts with the caption “Cum on my big tits guys!”

Are young girls so desperate for attention and complements these days that they are happy to display their tits (and vaginas) to the world on seedy music channels that are mostly frequented by horny young lads?

Popularity: 11% [?]