Lay beside me, tell me what THEY’ve done
Speak the words I want to hear, to make my demons run
The door is locked now but it’s open if you’re true
If you can understand the me, then I can understand the you

Lay beside me, under wicked sky
black of day, dark of night, we share this pair of lives
The door cracks open but there’s no sun shining through
Black heart scarring darker still, but there’s no sun shining through

No, there’s no sun shining through
No, there’s no sun shining

What I’ve felt, what I’ve known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?

What I’ve felt, what I’ve known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, ’cause I’m the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven, too?

Come lay beside me, this won’t hurt, I swear
She loves me not, she loves me still, but she’ll never love again
She lay besides me but she’ll be there when I’m gone
Black heart scarring darker still, yes, she’ll be there when I’m gone
Yes, she’ll be there when I’m gone
Dead sure she’ll be there!

What I’ve felt, what I’ve known
Turn the pages, turn to stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?

What I’ve felt, what I’ve known
Sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there, ’cause I’m the one who waits for you
Or are you unforgiven, too?

Lay beside me, tell me what I’ve done
The door is closed, so are your eyes
But now I see the sun, now I see the sun
Yes, now I see it!

What I’ve felt, what I’ve known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?

What I’ve felt, what I’ve known
So sick and tired, I stand alone
Could you be there? ‘Cause I’m the one waits
The one who waits for you

What I’ve felt, What I’ve known
Turn the pages, turn the stone
Behind the door, should I open it for you?

What I’ve felt oohh
What I’ve known
I take this key
And I bury it in you
Because you’re unforgiven, too

(Never free)
(Never me)
‘Cause you’re unforgiven, too

Whoever said that the people who read my blog are not looking out for my best interests obviously doesn’t know them as well as I do. I’ve received some rather lovely comments lately informing me that Soma would be the best way to overdose.

Not sure if that is true, or how easy it would be to get hold of in this country, but thank you dear readers for your kind suggestions.

I swapped emails with someone today which put me in an even worse mood. Again I failed to get my points across clearly in written form. But at least I have a better understanding now of where I stand/stood. I think we can call this closure.

The phone woke me up from a lovely sleep. It was the receptionist from the doctor’s surgery. When I went to see the doctor, to get anti-depressants earlier this month, he urged me to have some tests to check if my liver and kidneys had been damaged by the two overdoses.

I’m guessing the “the doctor would like to talk to you as soon as possible about your test results” means something is wrong. Good.

Maybe I don’t have to try another suicide attempt, maybe my liver or kidneys will do it for me. Hurry up, lazy internal organs. All the alcohol and drugs I’ve given you over the years, it’s about time you repaid me. You’re like those rich children leeching off mummy and daddy.

The cunt (yes he is!) who wanted to buy my Amon Amarth ticket sent me a text today to tell me he won’t need the ticket. So it looks like I might go after all. I shall go in disguise, great big coat, fake nose, chin putty, fake eyebrows and a hat Nobody will spot me like that.

I was scheduled to go to some music gigs in the coming month. Cannibal Corpse, Amon Amarth, Clutch and Five Finger Death Punch, to name a few. I’ve now sold the tickets to various people as I am now not going to go.

I sold the Amon Amarth ticket as I didn’t really want to bump into ‘someone’. And I thought considering what I intend to do pretty soon I might as well sell the tickets on to people who will still be alive to attend the events.

This morning I deleted that someone’s number from my phone because I knew that by the end of the week I would have succumbed to the urge to text this person. They don’t want me to do that and I don’t want to do that so I removed their number. They’ve removed mine from their phone so we won’t be texting each other.

The Jobcentre phoned me today telling me they had a possible job for me. I took the details and phoned the number. It turns out the position is as a packer & cleaner for a company who specialise in shipping boxes to various clothing companies around the country.

The pay is rubbish. I think I will wait around for something better. They won’t offer me the job anyway as I don’t have any references and I don’t have CRB check. I’m not fucking paying for one.

I had a sleep and then I cleaned my entire room from top to bottom. Believe me it needed it as I’ve not been in the mood to clean for the past couple of weeks. I’ve basically been chucking stuff on the floor and in the corner. It was nice to see the floor again.

I then spent the rest of the evening in a suicide chat room. You can find a chat room for any subject on MIRC.

[Monoxide Child:]
Now that I’m dead and gone
Look at me
I’m floating like the breeze
With my roots strong like trees
I’m filtered in your memories
Holding a candle light vigil
Saying a prayer
My name is graced
Buried with the paint on my face
I put the chase up long enough
I live the lifestyle wrong and tough
And now my life span’s up
I give a fuck
I’m about to run it in the after life
And hopefully they put my soul in the butcher knife

[Shaggy 2 Dope:]
If I was to die
It’d make a lot of people happy
No funeral possesions
No plot at the cemetery
Finally
I can be alone in my own world
The wagons come take me away from the killing fields
If I was to die
Would you finally shut your mouth?
Understand what I am
Understand what I’m about
Like curse
Place me up high on your pedastil
I’m about to find out
(SHAGGY IT’S TIME TO GO)

[Chorus x2:]
I wanna die
So I can see the otherside
I wanna die
So I can fly (Take Me With You)
I wanna die
Take me to the otherside
I wanna die
So I can fly (Take Me Away)

[Violent J:]
I wanna die
Maybe I’ll get angel wings
So I can cut them off
Cook them up
I have some helly wing dings
I’d take my hallo off
Get myself a ladder
Hang it on the wall
Maybe you’ll think it’s a gold record
Death
Everybody follow my hearse
Why does everybody always gotta go and die first?
Before their homies are missing them
Family members kissing them
Everybody even enemies stop dissing them
I want to die
So I can haunt my buddies
Stand behind them in the mirror with my eyes all bloody
Stick my long, black, cold tongue all in the ear
And be like, “I’m only playing”
And disappear
I wanna die
And have everything answered
What happened to my father?
Why was I a bastard?
What is thunder?
Is it really God bowling?
And nightime’s a blanket
And all the stars are the holes in it

[Chorus x2]
Jamie Madrox:
Your answers are unneccesary
You understand
Never question the emotions
Of an unstable man
I got the petals of the Lotus
And the pedal to the floor
Following a black hearse
In the rain through a thunder storm
Never once did I invision
Me being stuck in such a situation
He made decisions
And now his spirit levitating
I can see him waving at me
Through the window of the hearse
He’s crying blood
It all stops and it gets worst

[Blaze Ya Dead Homie:]
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
At least that’s what I was told
When I was on the come up
Been to the grave and it ain’t no joke
Resurfaced to the earth with the spirits I envoke
Cut down in my prime
When my block got hit
Now I’m riding in the back of a hearse and shit
Darkness, pitch black
Never seeing no one
And the devil got his darkest demons
Riding shotgun

[Chorus x2]

Take me away
Take me with you
Take me away
Take me with you
Take me away [echo]

Well it has certainly been a long time since I’ve felt this low and shitty. Even lower than when I tried to kill myself twice in a week about a month ago. I’m not sure but I think it might be something to do with me missing someone. Just because I’ve decided to keep a distance doesn’t mean I don’t care about them and won’t miss them.

I pretty much stayed in bed all day, barring a couple of trips to take the dog for a quick walk. I just didn’t have the will to get up and do anything. I just laid in bed sleeping, watching DVDs, mucking about on the computer and wondering what the hell I’m going to do about recent incidents in my life.

Or maybe I stayed in bed because when I got up to take the dog out I stubbed my toe on some fitness equipment. It sounds better than admitting that I kicked my weights…

I was supposed to go football training today but I just didn’t fancy it. I would have ended up fighting people there. I’m probably going to cancel going out this weekend.

Friday I’m meant to be meeting up with someone I haven’t seen in ages for a couple of beers. I’ll text him tomorrow and cancel. We haven’t socialised with each other in about two years, don’t want our meet up to end in me getting into a brawl.

Saturday I’ve been invited by Will to Slimelight. I wasn’t sure if I was going to go as I was waiting to find out who else is going, but even if a certain someone isn’t going I think I might not go. I know a fair few people are going and I don’t want to sour the night with my mood.

Sunday is probably the biggest choker.

I’ve got a ticket to see Evil & Entombed support Amon Amarth in Camden. I’ve been looking forward to it for fucking ages but I’m having second thoughts now. Not just because I might get into a fight but because ‘someone’ is going and that will be really awkward.

You see this is why I’m never nice to people! I’ll make a mental note of this “don’t be nice to people in future!”