I Feel Like I’ve Been Kicked In The Stomach
I brought the local newspaper today to help stop me from becoming so bored on the bus journey to work and to be honest I sort of fucking wish that I hadn’t.
I was flicking through when I suddenly saw a picture of a woman that I recognised, in fact not only did I recognise her but I was sure I actually knew her. It turned out not only did I know her but I used to go out with her about 12 years ago when I lived in Seaford, East Sussex.
My stomach felt like it had been ripped out as I read the article which informed me that she had travelled to San Francisco and hurled herself to her death from the infamous Golden Gate Bridge.
I sat on the top deck of the bus feeling slightly sick and very very numb. I had not heard from her in about 2 years but we would sort of bump into eachother every now and again, normally in a pub, and have a quick ‘hello’.
Morbid curiousity got the better of me and I read every single inch of the article. She was suffering from depression and they found web sites on her computer about tall buildings and landmarks to commit suicide from.
I’ve had plenty of people die around me and I’ve felt sad. But this is the first time that I’ve felt sadness, anger and been on the brink of tears.
Since I’ve read about it (I’m not sure if it is worse that I found out she killed herself or the fact that I had to read about it in a local paper) I’ve been saying the phrase “You stupid fucking woman” over and over, often out loud.
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Dean,
I can’t begin to imagine how you must have felt reading about your friend’s suicide. I’m really sorry you had to find out that way (and sorry for her that she did it at all. She must have been in a hugely desperate, lonely place).
I don’t think she was stupid, selfish or cowardly (though you’re perfectly entitiled to be that pissed off with her). Maybe she just wanted the pain to stop.
take care…
Hi Ebele,
When I say “You stupid fucking woman” I didn’t mean it literary (sp?). It was just a gut saying that I kept saying.
I know she is not stupid, she was acing it at university. According to her family she was showing no signs of this so either she hid it very well or her family were not paying enough attention to spot the signs.
I am quite worried though as someone who I was becoming good friends with (we fell out) is suffering from depression (like me) and I’m now really worried she is going to do to something similar.
Thanks for dorpping by.
It’s quite possible to hide things from family, to pretend as if everything’s ok (even in the most attentive of families). Trust me. I know.
Get in touch with your friend (as I’m sure you will) to find out how she’s doing, so she knows there’s someone who cares and is looking out for her. Don’t mention what you’re worried she might do, just be a friend.
In midst of all that, try and take care of yourself too. That’s important.
My friend is not talking to me at the moment as we had a bit of a spat and I acted like a twat and basically told her to fuck off. We haven’t spoken for about a month, I’ve tried to apologise but her replies were normally “leave me alone” or silence.
I’ve sent her a couple of texts over the past week but I’m reluctant to send anymore as I think no replying means “leave me alone”. Doesn’t it?
Thanks for the replies by the way, very helpful.